I looked down at the piece of paper
Random numbers and letters that carried the weight of my life

And I had to follow…

So here I am

At the doorsteps of a ghost I thought I left behind

Now there you are walking aloof in your house

While I stand outside

Watching shadows in the dark

Of a family I never had

For a second I think I hear the door crack

And I realize as my heart skips a beat

I will always be that five year old girl who ran into your arms the first time

A love that my mother experienced

And I only imagined

You held onto us so, without ever even knowing it

Such power you undeservingly have

So much hold when you’re so free

I should feel anger, yet all I feel is pain

And I know it comes from a hope I shouldn’t have

Do I knock on the door, should I make a sound?

No, it’s time to walk away…

I’ll go, yet be left behind

One world changed while the other one keeps spinning

You’ll continue on never knowing what was behind your door

So this is what it means, to be so close, yet so far…

i wrote this a few years back about a night i drove by my biological father’s house. i’d found out where he lived, after not knowing for almost 24 years. the experience was surreal. i’d caught a glimpse of his shadow in the window; it was the first i’d seen of him since my freshman year in college. and it was the last time i’ve seen him as well... i always told myself that one day when i got married, that would be the time i’d give him one last chance. he’d either come through for me for once, or i’d close that door of hope for good. i didn’t want any ghosts following me into my new life. well, my mother got a hold of him the other day - the man pretended she had the wrong number and hung up on her... the little girl in me wants her father, wants to keep hoping he’s not such a bad person. the woman in me is telling me this is it, or rather, this has to be it. no more going back. and it is that finality that has my heart aching right now...

so i wrote this reply to a message my friend sent me. as i was writing it, i found that i was talking to myself more than anything. it was something i needed to say to affirm. it was helpful to me, so i want to share it with everyone...

" you need to give yourself time to stop and smell the roses every once in awhile...

there's a line that i wrote in one of my old xanga blog entries ( don't know if you've checked it out yet, so sorry if this is repetitive )- " Moments...they pass us by with the blink of an eye. but with recognition, we can turn a blink into a gaze..."

your life, may, at times, feel like it's just passing you by. you may feel like you're getting lost in it. but remember, you have the remote control. you can hit 'pause' at any given moment and examine it and its potential. the few hours we had at the beach may have been a more obvious opportunity to see the kid in you surface. but why did that have to stop once we left the beach? even sitting at your desk at work, just hanging around playing poker with friends, or simply doing things that are routine to you, can be moments where "Little (your name here)" smiles and nods. it's just a matter of perspective. we're "grownups" now. but that doesn't mean our lofty ideals and wonder has to cease to exist. it's all about finding the joy in the little things. last night playing poker could, on one hand, be seen as just another typical night between the crew - nothing obviously noteworthy or reason to get giddy over. but my energy was high. "little la vonna" was definitely there to find amusement. and there was plenty to be amused by; you just had to be looking in the right places. but that's not even possible without first making the conscious choice to walk into something with your eyes open and expectant to the positive. too often we don't recognize good moments unless they fall in our laps. too often we wait to look in hindsight to say, "those were good times". well guess what, i'm almost positive that during those "good times" you weren't thinking they were so great. most of us are always setting our eyes on what's ahead. THESE are good times. as a matter of fact, with stress, responsibilities and all, these are GREAT times!! i even say this being someone who has recently experienced some personal heartache and pain. someone once told me, " pain is good. it reminds us that we're alive." i never forgot that... i am living life, and even when talking of the dreary, i am loving it. i refuse to shut myself off or become jaded by certain disappointments. i'm here to embrace everything. some might say that this mentality makes me "drama prone". i let everything affect me ( be it positive or negative ) at full force. but you know what? someone else and i may go through the EXACT same week, and i'll be the one with double the stories. i'll be the one who's heart and mind have been stretched and refined. and i'll be the one with the deeper relationships as a result of all i invest.

anyway, i'm sorry if this has become somewhat of a lecture. needless to say, i can get longwinded when talking about something i'm passionate about. i'm not trying to lecture you. i'm just trying to give you  a slight kick in the butt! ;-P ... DRIVE (your name here), don't let yourself go on cruise control. there's too much you'll miss...

-just me "

i've been confined to my bed with fractured ribs, and the only thought that keeps popping in my head is....i...miss...you...

"rosebud"