Voni's Xanga

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Thu, 14 May 2009 01:26:49 GMT

i have had so many moments of weakness, some that bring me shame and embarassment. and in those moments, i've often wondered if i truly knew myself. the la vonna i knew seemed to get lost in all that i let consume me - fear, insecurity, scars deeply set from the past... but there is something i have come to know and realize... i am strong. no matter what's ever happened or is happening to me, here i am. i may get lost, put up a wall or give into weakness a time or two, sometimes more, but in the end, i always come back. i always remain standing, refusing to give up. i do not walk away. even given every reason to guard my heart forever, i cannot. because to refrain from love would mean not being me. i love...and i love like very few do - endlessly and COMPLETELY. just when i think there's nothing left, there is more. and i will continue to pour out my heart, no matter what gets thrown at me. i used to wish and hope to be loved the same way back. but i realize, my life is not incomplete without it. because to truly love, is to love without thought as to what you're getting in return. one day i'll pass on. and as cliche as it sounds, i'll die at peace knowing this - i have loved... and i have loved well...

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 21:35:21 GMT

I looked down at the piece of paper
Random numbers and letters that carried the weight of my life

And I had to follow…

So here I am

At the doorsteps of a ghost I thought I left behind

Now there you are walking aloof in your house

While I stand outside

Watching shadows in the dark

Of a family I never had

For a second I think I hear the door crack

And I realize as my heart skips a beat

I will always be that five year old girl who ran into your arms the first time

A love that my mother experienced

And I only imagined

You held onto us so, without ever even knowing it

Such power you undeservingly have

So much hold when you’re so free

I should feel anger, yet all I feel is pain

And I know it comes from a hope I shouldn’t have

Do I knock on the door, should I make a sound?

No, it’s time to walk away…

I’ll go, yet be left behind

One world changed while the other one keeps spinning

You’ll continue on never knowing what was behind your door

So this is what it means, to be so close, yet so far…

i wrote this a few years back about a night i drove by my biological father’s house. i’d found out where he lived, after not knowing for almost 24 years. the experience was surreal. i’d caught a glimpse of his shadow in the window; it was the first i’d seen of him since my freshman year in college. and it was the last time i’ve seen him as well... i always told myself that one day when i got married, that would be the time i’d give him one last chance. he’d either come through for me for once, or i’d close that door of hope for good. i didn’t want any ghosts following me into my new life. well, my mother got a hold of him the other day - the man pretended she had the wrong number and hung up on her... the little girl in me wants her father, wants to keep hoping he’s not such a bad person. the woman in me is telling me this is it, or rather, this has to be it. no more going back. and it is that finality that has my heart aching right now...

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 18:18:38 GMT

so i wrote this reply to a message my friend sent me. as i was writing it, i found that i was talking to myself more than anything. it was something i needed to say to affirm. it was helpful to me, so i want to share it with everyone...

" you need to give yourself time to stop and smell the roses every once in awhile...

there's a line that i wrote in one of my old xanga blog entries ( don't know if you've checked it out yet, so sorry if this is repetitive )- " Moments...they pass us by with the blink of an eye. but with recognition, we can turn a blink into a gaze..."

your life, may, at times, feel like it's just passing you by. you may feel like you're getting lost in it. but remember, you have the remote control. you can hit 'pause' at any given moment and examine it and its potential. the few hours we had at the beach may have been a more obvious opportunity to see the kid in you surface. but why did that have to stop once we left the beach? even sitting at your desk at work, just hanging around playing poker with friends, or simply doing things that are routine to you, can be moments where "Little (your name here)" smiles and nods. it's just a matter of perspective. we're "grownups" now. but that doesn't mean our lofty ideals and wonder has to cease to exist. it's all about finding the joy in the little things. last night playing poker could, on one hand, be seen as just another typical night between the crew - nothing obviously noteworthy or reason to get giddy over. but my energy was high. "little la vonna" was definitely there to find amusement. and there was plenty to be amused by; you just had to be looking in the right places. but that's not even possible without first making the conscious choice to walk into something with your eyes open and expectant to the positive. too often we don't recognize good moments unless they fall in our laps. too often we wait to look in hindsight to say, "those were good times". well guess what, i'm almost positive that during those "good times" you weren't thinking they were so great. most of us are always setting our eyes on what's ahead. THESE are good times. as a matter of fact, with stress, responsibilities and all, these are GREAT times!! i even say this being someone who has recently experienced some personal heartache and pain. someone once told me, " pain is good. it reminds us that we're alive." i never forgot that... i am living life, and even when talking of the dreary, i am loving it. i refuse to shut myself off or become jaded by certain disappointments. i'm here to embrace everything. some might say that this mentality makes me "drama prone". i let everything affect me ( be it positive or negative ) at full force. but you know what? someone else and i may go through the EXACT same week, and i'll be the one with double the stories. i'll be the one who's heart and mind have been stretched and refined. and i'll be the one with the deeper relationships as a result of all i invest.

anyway, i'm sorry if this has become somewhat of a lecture. needless to say, i can get longwinded when talking about something i'm passionate about. i'm not trying to lecture you. i'm just trying to give you a slight kick in the butt! ;-P ... DRIVE (your name here), don't let yourself go on cruise control. there's too much you'll miss...

-just me "

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 17:52:56 GMT

March 3rd... Been two years today... I'll never forget you. No matter where I am, or what I'm doing, time will always stand still on this day...

Friday, September 29, 2006

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:03:47 GMT

i've been confined to my bed with fractured ribs, and the only thought that keeps popping in my head is....i...miss...you...

"rosebud"

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 16:45:36 GMT

last night i witnessed my mother praying for the first time in my entire life. tears and all, i've never seen her look more beautiful... that moment, along with watching my dear friends get married this past weekend, is the most genuinely happy i've been in a very long time...

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 16:23:27 GMT

grabbin a pen
somethin's achin to surface...
but i can't find the words
i can't get connected...
been numb so long,
i've even fooled myself...
yeah, there's nothing wrong
there's just...
nothing

Friday, March 03, 2006

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 22:03:11 GMT

one year ago today, i lost a piece of my soul. i have not been the same since, nor will i ever be...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 04:21:21 GMT

2006 - the new year has begun... i'm looking back on some old entries, and i found this one to be quite fitting at this moment.... have i turned the corner yet? i'm curving...

" ~ so the question on everyone's mind - what exactly IS la vonna going through these days? i wouldn't know where to even begin... so here's an answer that really isn't much of an answer at all, but i'll give it you anyway...

there is a favorite spot i visit whenever i find myself at The Getty. it's on a bench facing, what has become, a mirror made of canvas for me. this mirror, Monet's " The Portal of Rouen Cathedral in Morning Light ", has comforted and captured me with every encounter. there is a transcendent exchange that goes on in that place, as though the painting were speaking words of, " i understand, " to someone so desperately looking for just that. what is it about this painting that captures me so?

when you look at this painting up close, it's impossible to make out exactly what the painting is. all you see are single brushes of paint, dabbing the canvas this way and that, in no apparent design or purpose. you just see blue, with a few specks of yellow or orange in random spots. up close, this painting looks like someone's paint experiment gone wrong. walk a little further, and the blotches of paint begin to take shape a bit; the colors even begin to seem grouped together. it's only when you are in good distance, do you see the painting for what it is - a hidden masterpiece, every stroke having its part in this planned out vision, every speck of color needed exactly where placed. it's something my words cannot give justice to... where does this lead to - me, life, God... in the now, all i see are the brushes of paint, dabbing here and there with no apparent purpose except to create this ugly canvas before me. i have to question - why? what? and in that questioning, i have to remind myself that there is a painter with a vision that my feeble mind cannot see or comprehend, a perfect design unfolding... just give it a little distance, and the specks of blue will take shape, every single one having its place in the end...

once you're able to capture the painting, what unfolds is sad and beautiful all at once - such emotion in such a silent way... i imagine a lone man in the silence of the night - restless, wandering, trying to walk away the sorrows, fears, and dreams that haunt him every step, passing the night away with nothing but the echoes of his own heart to keep him company. the night passes and just as he realizes he can walk no more, he turns the corner to find this sight before him - this grand cathedral, captured by the early rays of morning light, looking down on him, its shadow casting words of hope and a new day...what's going on with me? i suppose, i am waiting to turn that corner... " - xanga entry 3/21/05

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 19:14:30 GMT

it seems this year has been a year of goodbye's to me, with far too few hello's in between... my aunt died today, christmas day, and it makes the second death in the family within a matter of months. really, no words... it's the end of the year - the mark where the end and the beginning meet together in perfect sliding door harmony, or at least, supposed to. i find myself fighting the exchange, holding on, holding on... it's also five days before my birthday...am i any older, in ways that matter?